"WHAT I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY LAST YEAR OF EMAIL"

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.


Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer
the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I
will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use
anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking
under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
behind.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies! If you don't send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...


Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....


A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


(Thanks! And a Tip o' de Hat to "Blondie"!)